


The Weight

by AlwaysWrong



Category: Winner (Band), YG Entertainment | YG Family
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Description Of anxiety/panic attack, Dont hate me please, Homophobia, I'm Sorry, I'm really sorry, M/M, Mental Illness, Minor Character Death, Self Harm, Trigger Warnings, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-08-27 16:49:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8409220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysWrong/pseuds/AlwaysWrong
Summary: In which a sick Taehyun meets a helpful Mino.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably being posted at the wrong time. But I do want to say this wasn't written because of Taehyun being sick. I wrote this as a way to cope with my own mental illness and Taehyun is just the person I chose due to him and I being similar in personality and age.

_Get up. Get dressed. You've got classes today. You need to go. You've already missed two days. Get up._

Taehyun can hear the rational voice inside of his head but he can't bring himself to sit up. He barely finds the energy to reach over and shut off that annoying alarm on his phone. Slowly, he draws his arm back in under the safety of the covers and lies there as the day around him begins. 

He can hear the neighbors showering and starting their days. Cabinets slam as some start making breakfast, music begins to play, doors open and shut. The world moves forward while he does not. That's probably one of the worst thing about his apartment, other than the size. The thin walls. Everyone can hear everything that everyone is doing pretty much all the time. If he listens hard enough he can hear what is playing on the tv of the room sharing a wall with his bedroom. Of course that would take effort to figure out. Effort he doesn't have to spare at this moment.

Taehyun knew the moment he woke up--at exactly 4:36--that today would be a bad day. Try as he might, he couldn't get back to sleep. Tossing and turning until his alarm went off almost two hours later, all his energy had been spent before his day was even meant to start.

As the morning slowly ticks by, the sounds around him fade. TVs and music are shut off, doors are slammed, and he is left in silence as everyone leaves for work or school. Silence, the old friend he never wants to spend time with. Locked in silence, there is nothing to drown out the symphony of thoughts in his head. There are at least three easy solutions to the silence within his reach. The tv remote sits on the floor beside his bed. His phone has hundreds of songs downloaded on it and is somewhere under the covers with him. If he got desperate, one hit of a button on the seemingly ancient clock radio on his nightstand would produce some morning talk show. Yet he doesn't move. He can't move. He doesn't have the energy.

A few hours later, the sun is shining through the cracks in his curtains, causing him to close his eyes tighter and retreat further under the covers. He must have fallen asleep, as it was now half past ten according to his phone. He ignores the missed messages and phone calls from Seungyoon, dropping his phone back where it had been. More than once he tried to explain what was going on with him to his best friend and he was met with a sympathetic ear and nothing more. Seungyoon didn't understand what was happening no matter how many times he explained it. There was no use trying anymore. The looks of pity and concern from the older had started to sting worse than the marks on his hands and face.

Rolling over, he tries to fall back into the sweet relief of sleep but the pressure in his bladder was too much for him to bear. Looks like staying in bed wasn't an option. Taking a breath, he pushes himself up and made his way to the bathroom. Not even bothering to turn on the light, he relives himself and retreats back to his bed. Anything to avoid looking in the mirror above the sink. He knows how he looked. Greasy hair standing up in all directions, dark circles around his sunken eyes, dry cracked lips, sickly pale completion, and scratches to his thin cheeks and jaw. The last thing he wants is another reminder that he can't even take care of himself.

It's near one in the afternoon when he wakes again, this time by his stomach growling so loudly is painful. He can't remember the last time he ate anything. And if he is being honest, he doesn't want to eat. He has no appetite or desire to eat. All too soon the growling turns into a deep ache as his shrunken belly begs for sustenance. He isn't even sure if he has food in the kitchen to eat. Probably a few packages of ramen and a half empty container of kimchi. No doubt his mom will have his hide when she comes to see him next. But he can't bring himself to care right now. He can barely bring himself to care about his stomach. He just wants the pain to stop.

Forgoing the idea of attempting to cook something out of the scraps in the kitchen, he begins getting dressed. If it can even be counted as getting dressed. He has been wearing the same clothes for four days now. Old grey sweats with permanent stains from when he helped his mom and grandmother make kimchi a few years ago, a black t-shirt of a band he doesn't even like anymore, and mismatched socks he pulls from the basket that probably aren't clean. He doesn't care. Only pulls them on and stuffs his feet into his black trainers. Pulling his jacket on, he checks the pockets for his wallet and keys. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks about grabbing a hat, knowing it's cold, and the disgusting state of his hair. Instead he only pulls his hood up and leaves the apartment.

Walking takes more energy than he wants right now, but it beats taking the bus where he would have to be around other people. He doesn't bother to zip his jacket, just keeps walking with his head down, barely feeling the cold bite of the wind at his face and chest. At first he isn't sure of where he is going, he's just walking. He doesn't stop at the crosswalks, not caring at all if he gets hit by a passing vehicle. He is almost hit by a bike messenger, who swerves around him and swears loudly as he pedals off.

A few turns later, he finds himself pushing open the door to an all too familiar cafe. The smell of fresh roasted coffee and sweet baked goods fills his nose. Most students classes aren't over yet, so the cafe is near empty. Just an elderly couple by the window and a young father with twins at a table by the counter. The barista is a girl he has economics with, who's name he can't remember, but calls him by his as he approaches the counter. He tells a weak lie about being sick when she asks where he has been and orders a hot chocolate, knowing the caffeine in the coffee he wants will just make his day worse. 

The pain in his stomach subsides slightly as he sips at the scalding drink. He continues to stand at the counter for a moment, listening to her talk about something that happened in class recently, staring at the various breads and pastries in the display case. His stomach growls so loudly the barista laughs.

"If you can't decide," she giggles, stepping over to the case, "I would recommend getting sweet potato bread or a sugar donut. They are my personal favourites."

"No, thank you. I'm having lunch later with my mom." He lies quickly, not wanting to eat anything.

"One little snack won't kill your appetite." She remarks with a teasing smile. "You're stomach will thank you."

"I'm fine. I'm actually on my way there now." He insists, taking a step back towards the door.

"Okay. I'll see you in class, Taehyun." She calls, the playful lilt in her voice gone as he rushed out without another word.

Once again, he walks quickly down the street with no intentions of going anywhere except away from the cafe. His hands are shaking, causing the brown liquid inside the cardboard cup to spill out and collect around the mouth of the plastic lid. He can feel the panic rising in his chest and drops down on the curb, resting his head on his knees. Desperately, he wishes he was at his apartment. This wouldn't be happening if he hadn't gone out. Setting his cup down beside him, he grips his legs and tries to take a deep breath. All he can draw in are rushed little pants and it's making him lightheaded. Digging his fingers into his shins, he tries harder to calm himself down. Even just enough to stand up and make his way home. Anything, even a public bathroom stall would be better than in the middle of the street. The people passing by don't even give him a second glance, but Taehyun swears he can feel their eyes staring at him. Judging him. Wondering what's wrong with him.

Finally he draws a proper breath in and holds in until his lungs burn and he is forced to exhale. He struggles to take another breath like that.

_This is taking too long. You've been sitting here for hours. Everyone is watching and staring. Get home. Now. You're fine. Get up._

He forces himself to stand up and the words spins violently beneath his feet. His vision grows black at the edges and he stumbles, yet doesn't fall. Someone is holding on to him. Holding him up. He can hear the deep voice of a man talking to him. His cheeks burn red with embarrassment and he pulls away from the only thing that is keeping him standing. Blinking away the darkness he stumbles away into the nearest alley. A few feet in, he falls to his knees beside a dumpster. He crawls over, around the side of the dumpster until he is sure he is out of sight and rests his head on his knees again.

_Stupid. You're so stupid. You can't even hold yourself together long enough to get a goddamn drink._

He digs his bit down fingernails into the back of his hand, focusing on breathing and not the chastising going on in his head. He just needs a minute and he'll be okay enough to walk home. He wasn't prepared to talk to someone who knew him. He didn't have anything prepared to tell someone who might have asked about him. He hadn't even intended to go to that cafe. His feet had taken him there on their own. Muscle memory from going there to study so often before things got bad again.

"Are you okay?" A voice asks as a shadow looms over him.

_Shit._

"I-I'm fine." He stutters.

"You don't look fine." The man says, kneeling beside him. "Can I help at all? Call you an ambulance--"

"No!" Taehyun snaps before the man finishes asks the question. "I...I'm fine. I just need...a second to breathe."

The man stays kneeling beside him as Taehyun rushes to get himself together. Slow, deep breaths he reminds himself, counting to seven before releasing the breathe, exactly like he had been taught. If only he had remembered that a minute ago he would have been fine. Slow, deep breaths. That's what he does until the world comes back into focus. He takes another minute, curled up and bent over before he sits up. Sure enough, the man still is kneeling beside him, concern etched into his young face.

"Are you okay?" He asks again.

Taehyun nods, slowly standing up. Dirt stains his hands and knees but he makes no move to brush it off.

"Can I walk you home?" He asks, forwardly. "I...I want to make sure you get there safely."

"You don't even know me." He mumbles, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground. The man wears nice, colourful trainers.

"You're friends with Kang Seungyoon. I've seen you studying with him. I'm Song Mino." He explains. "I'm partners with him in music theory."

He steals a glance at the other's face. He seems vaguely familiar and the name does ring a bell. Seungyoon talks about so many people it's hard to keep up at times.

"You don't seem okay. I only want to make sure you get home safely." Mino insists. "I can call Kang Seungyoon if that would make you feel better. He can come to walk you instead."

"Please don't call him." Taehyun says quietly. He has been avoiding him for weeks now, not wanting anyone--specifically Seungyoon--to see him when be is this bad.

"Alright. Then I'm walking you home. Let's go." He states, clearly ready to argue until he gets his way. 

Taehyun doesn't have the energy to argue. All he wants is to be at home. If that means Song Mino walks him there. Then so be it. It's easier than arguing. He begins walking out of the alley, notching his cardboard cup knocked over and leaking still steaming hot chocolate on to the sidewalk. Mino trots closely beside him. Too close for his own comfort, close enough that if he extended a few fingers he could easily wrap them around the sleeve of the others jacket. The thought actually tempts him. It's been a long time since he's held someone's hand and physically contact always help him calm down--especially after an episode like that. The little rational voice in his head insists that Mino won't mind it that voice is covered over with others telling him to keep to himself, that touch is bad, that it will make things worse. He stuffs his hands deep into his coat pockets and turns a corner. 

"I never actually got your name." Mino breaks the silence.

"Tae." He says simply.

"Tae? That's it?" He asks.

Taehyun doesn't respond. He doesn't plan on interacting with Mino again. So it doesn't matter if he knows his full name or not. He knows he is being rude but can't bring himself to care.

"Okay. Tae. What happened back there?" He asks.

"Nothing. That happens sometimes. I'm fine." He insists, walking up his street. 

His hands are still shaking as he pulls his keys from his pocket. He tries hard to still them to put the key in the lock, but Mino pulls the lanyard from his hand before he has the chance. Gently he is pushed out of the way and Mino opens the door. Stepping inside, he shucks off of coat, not caring that it slips off the hook and falls to the floor. Kicking off his shoes, he doesn't even notice that Mino has come in as well, and makes his way over to his bed. He crawls under the covers and relaxes into the familiar smells of his bed.

The faucet in the kitchen is turned on for a moment and foot steps come closer to him. The sound of a glass being set on the table beside his bed makes him peek out from under the sanctuary of his blankets. Mino finishes what he is writing and shows him the paper.

"This is my number. If you need anything, you can call me." He promises, sliding the corner of the paper under the glass.

Taehyun watches as he crosses over to the door, steps into his shoes and exits with a wave and a kind smile. Ignoring doth the piece of paper and the glass of water, he rolls over. Somewhere in the folds of his sheets, he can his phone vibrating. No doubt Seungyoon calling to check on him again. That too he ignores in favour of curling in on himself and closing his eyes, in hopes to fall back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some days are better than others

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** Anxiety attack, minor scratching and skin picking

Some days are better than others. There is no denying that. Some days are good. Some days are so good Taehyun almost forgets that he is sick. He'll get up on time, without hitting snooze on his alarm clock. He'll go to school, laugh with his friends, pay attention, even participate, in his classes. He'll eat proper meals. Homework will get done, the apartment will be clean, and so will he. He'll fall asleep easily when he lies down at a reasonable time.

But for every good day, there seem to be a week of bad days. Some days are so bad that Taehyun doesn't even leave his bed. He won't eat, he won't drink, he won't move. He'll sit or lay in dead silence listening to the belittling voices that are anxiety and depression making him feel worse than he already is. Reminding him of all the things he needs to be doing but can't bring himself to do. Worse are the thoughts telling him that he deserves the emotions he is feeling. That he is no better than the worst tyrants he's learned about in history class. That he deserves all the scratch marks on his body and the aches in his body. Those days are the hardest. His mind and body ache for sleep, yet he finds his eyes opening on their own when he lies down to try to rest.

Lately it seems as if the good are starting to outweigh the bad. Ever since he started waking up next to Song Mino things have been slowly getting better. The older male doesn't understand what Taehyun is going through, yet he will sit and listen as Taehyun babbles on and on until he runs out of words and is left staring at the ground, hoping Mino doesn't get up and leave. It may take some time but Mino always finds something to say to make him feel better.

Just having him around makes things easier for Taehyun. He wakes up from nightmares, sweaty and shaking, relived to see another person there. Most of the time Mino wakes up enough to pull him close and rub his back until he calms down. And that seems to be enough for him to fall back asleep, wrapped up in the warm embrace of his hyung. The alarm goes off early that he is used to and he refuses to get up when Mino does, gladly staying in the bed, half asleep while Mino sings whatever song is stuck in his head that day while he showers.

"Wake up, diva." Mino sings, dropping down on to the bed, his hair still dripping water down his face. His hand snakes under the covers, tickling Taehyun until he sits up. 

"I'm awake." He insists, climbing out of the bed only to get away from the tickling fingers.

"Go shower. You didn't last night." Mino reminds him as he starts picking out their clothes for the day. 

Taehyun is beyond grateful that Mino is a fan of matching couples clothes and picks out their clothes most days. He hates to admit that even something as mundane and simple as picking out clothes can be too overwhelming, causing him to retreat back to the same kimchi stained sweats and old band shirt that he always wears. He showers easily, using the soaps and shampoo that Mino bought. The ones that smell like coconut and some manly smell that he can only describe as Mino. Somehow they smell better than his own, that now sit untouched on the edge of the tub.

The only reason he whines about the colour of his shirt is that he knows Mino will trade with him. He honestly has no problem with the mostly white shirt that had been put out for him. But knowing that Mino will take off the mostly black shirt just to make him happy does just that. Only more than Mino will ever know.

"We're actually early today." Mino muses as he places a black hat on Taehyun's head and a kiss on his cheek.

"Does that mean we can stop at the cafe for breakfast?" He asks, picking up his backpack.

"We'll get it to go." He locks the door as they leave.

The cafe isn't busy, since they are earlier than the normal rush of student rushing to get their morning caffeine fix. Taehyun shies back behind Mino, shaking his head when Mino insists that he tell the barista his order. After a minute, a sigh falls from Mino's lips and he steps up to the counter and Taehyun's cheeks burn red.

A quiet apology falls from his lips when Mino steps back to wait for the order. He knows he should be able to order for himself, especially at his age. He can feel the lump of anxiety settling heavily in his chest and doesn't want to make it worse. Mino insists that its fine, giving him a kiss to prove it. Both do little to relieve the growing lump in his chest.

While Mino scarfs down his breakfast pastry as they walk to campus, Taehyun barely does as much as nibble at his. His appetite suddenly gone, despite the wanting growls from his stomach. A large bite is taken from the now cold treat, only to humour Mino, before it is tossed into the waste bin before they enter the building.

It's nice being walked to class. It's even nicer when Mino kisses him goodbye and promises to meet him outside the building when he is finished with his morning lectures. The small smile doesn't last long on Taehyun's face as he enters the classroom and selects a seat in the back. Without Mino to distract and comfort him, the crushing weight of the world presses in on him mercilessly. The moment Seungyoon is seated beside him, he reaches out and grabs his hand, hoping to ground himself and calm himself down. He needs to try his classes today. If he misses many more days, he will be flunked.

If Seungyoon is worried, he doesn't vocalize his concerns. Simply going about removing his notes from his bag with one hand while the other gently squeezes the younger's. He talks absently about something that happened on the way to class, casually mentioning how happy is happy to see Taehyun, before going back to talking about his busy schedule for the day.

Noise fills the classroom as students discuss the homework assignment and their plans for the upcoming weekend. But none of it is recognized as anything intelligible to Taehyun over the pounding heartbeat in his ears. Even Seungyoon's familiar voice sounds distant and disoriented. The room falls silent as the teacher enters and begins the class. He tries hard to pay attention to what the teacher is saying, but his stomach is churning, threatening to have his small breakfast make a reappearance if he doesn't control his anxiety.

Trying to get ahold of himself gets considerably harder when Seungyoon whispers that he needs his hand back and tentatively pulls away to take notes. His hands tremble as Taehyun reaches for his own pencil. His eyes stay locked on the paper as he pretends to take write down what is being taught. The words begin scrawled on the paper are no better than a young child's attempt at writing and just as neat, characters and symbols sloping downward with no consideration for the lines on the page. For a moment he actually believes that pretending is helping, until someone sneezed suddenly, causing him to jump so high he bangs his knee on the underside of the table and drop his pencil. He watches as he rolls across the room, finding a home in the small gap under the heating unit.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Getting scared over nothing. Causing a scene. You really messed up now. Teacher is going to scold you for disturbing the class. All the students are focused on you now. You really messed up. Like you always do._

Taehyun can feel his cheeks burn painfully bright at the false pretense of the thoughts racing through his mind. Tears begin to prickle in the corners of his eyes, causing his vision to blur. Blinking quickly, he gathers his things awkwardly in his arms and rushed from the classroom, ignoring Seungyoon jumping to his fee and his teacher's call of his name. A hiding spot a few turns away is found, between a juice machine and a snack machine. His possessions are in a heap under his bent knee, bag still open, notebook papers wrinkled, coat gathering dust from the floor.

Out of habit, his hand makes its way up to his face, scratching at his skin and picking at the small scabs from scratching the previous night. Nothing more does he want to call Mino, yet he makes no more for his phone in his pocket. He doesn't want to upset the older boy. He promised he would try and he ended up having an episode with barely fifteen minutes into his first class. 

_Today supposed to be a good day. You can't even give him one good day. You don't deserve him. He deserves better than a sick, broken shell that can't even be called a man. You're just a boy._

He doesn't even notice the tears rolling down his cheeks or the way they sting the now bleeding spot on his cheek. He barely feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He doesn't hear the rushed footsteps, but casts an eye glance up as his best friend walks swiftly by. Even in his state he recognizes the boy he has called brother since childhood. A second later Seungyoon has doubled back and is kneeling in front of Taehyun, gently pulling his hand away from his face. He watches as the others mouth moves as he speaks but isn't catching any of the words he is saying. So he only nods, letting his head lull to the side, resting against the machine when he is finished.

More words fall from Seungyoon's lips and he continues to hold Taehyun's hand, thumb rubbing soothing circles over his knuckles. His heart is still pounding loudly on his ears and his vision is still hazy around the edges. He shrinks back further into his hiding spot as he hears more footsteps. Class must be out. 

_That was quick._

He doesn't want to be seen like this. Dropping his head, he curls in further on himself. If he makes himself small enough, people will walk by without noticing him hiding in this obscure spot. A cry falls from his lips as Seungyoon's hand is pulled from his.

"I'm right here, Tae. I've got you now." Mino's soft voice reaches his ears over the thumping heartbeat as he is gathered into strong arms.

He clings desperately to the older, breathing in the clean smell of their coordinating shirts. A little son leaves his lips as he tries his hardest to work an apology from his lips. 

"Let's get you home."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Say it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** anxiety attack, minor vomiting incident

Guilty weighs heavily upon Taehyun, making it impossible for him to close his eyes. He sits awake, hugging his knees to his chest as Mino sleeps soundly beside him. Considering the night they just went through, he expected Mino to sleep at the apartment he shared with two of his friends. Seeing the older lying beside him should have been a comfort, he wanted it to be a comfort. But it was simply a reminder that he didn't deserve Mino. He deserved someone as shitty and broken as he was. Not a good, understanding person like Song Mino. A man who would stay with him despite his own anger and frustration, who held him close until he slipped into sleep.

Cautiously, Taehyun climbed over the man and crossed the room. Slipping his shoes on, he slid out the front door, pocketing his keys as he walked through the dark streets. It was late and not a soul was awake in the neighborhood. Even the students who stayed awake all hours of the night studying were sleep. He walked slowly along, hands stuffed deep in his hoodie pocket, head down, feet dragging on the pavement. Without a plan in mind, he went where his feet led him. Around corners, across empty streets, passing by closed restaurants and the occasional 24 hour convenient store with only a tired and bored looking employee behind the counter.

The solemn silence gave him time to think. Not something he likes to do, yet he spends plenty of time doing so. Tonight the thoughts stirring in his head surround the bad day and the passive aggressive fight from just a few hours ago. Yet another day that was supposed to be a good day ruined by Taehyun's sickness.

Mino had been invited to a dinner party by his parents for his father's company. Many important business men were going to be there and Mino was going to be introduced to men who were already considering hiring him after he graduated. The glow on his smiling face was enough to light a room while he talked rapidly about the amazing opportunity. And of course he wanted Taehyun to go with him. After all, if he was employed by one of them, they would be spending a lot of time with all of them. Why not get to know them all now as who they were. A young happy couple. With butterflies eating holes in his stomach, Taehyun had agreed to go. 

The whole day Mino had planned out practically down to the second. From what they were to eat for breakfast, to when Taehyun needed to be in the shower after their classes. Everything was in place for Mino to be the perfect son and candidate for future employment and for Taehyun to be the calm, arm candy for Mino to brag about. If they were to judge how the dinner party would go based on how the morning and afternoon went, things were looking good. The week had been easy on Taehyun. Not one class had been skipped, for the most part he had been getting adequate sleep at night, not a single panic attack. Things had been good. They had even gone out to dinner with Seungyoon and a few other mutual friends when classes let out earl one day.

They were dressed in their nice clothes, with subtle matching bow ties and suspenders, and were out the door early for once. The cab ride was quick and they arrived at the upscale restaurant with a few minutes to spare. That was around the time when things started heading in a downward spiral for Taehyun. A crowd of patrons waiting for a table at the already crowded restaurant made his heart pick up speed. Crowds always made the anxiety worse. The amount of people made him feel trapped and the indistinct chatter made it hard for him to focus on anything. His mind raced with thoughts as Mino took his hand and carefully led him through the crowd into the building.

He knew his thoughts at that moment were pointless but he couldn't stop them. Mino had purposely sat them down two days ago to look over the menu online so Taehyun would know what to order before they even got ready to go. They would both be getting Kobe beef. Simple and delicious. Mino even said he would order for him. Even knowing all of this as they followed the hostess to the back room didn't calm him. Behind the closed doors was a room full of complete strangers, save for Mino's parents. How many people would he have to bow to? How many names would he be expected to remember? What was he supposed to talk about? Surely not the crippling depression or the anxiety that was getting to the point where he was struggling to breath.

Inside the room, fifteen or so sharp dressed men and beautifully dressed women mulled about with cocktail classes in their hands, chatting and laughing as if all that mattered in the world were the current state of the Union and whatever antidotal conundrum had happened at the office that day. Almost instantly Mino was called over to meet a few colleagues of his fathers. Desperately, Taehyun clung to his hand when he tried to pull away, causing Mino to pull a face of concern and slight annoyance. 

"Please, diva. I can't do this right now. I need to mingle." Mino pleaded, gently pulling his hand free. "My mom is right over there. I know she'll love to talk to you. You'll be fine."

With a little shove, Taehyun was making his was over to the table where Mrs. Song sat with another woman, talking gleefully and sipping wine. Mrs. Song rose and hugged Taehyun when he approached. Quickly the topic turned to him, after a brief introduction to the woman who was the wife of someone important that he couldn't remember for the life of him. He stuttered through the conversation, attempting to seem normal as he talked about what he was studying and which teachers were strict and which weren't. More than once he had to reassure the women that he was taking care of himself, brushing off their comments about his skinniness and how tired he looked--blaming both on his "busy school life."

Dinner couldn't come quick enough. Taehyun almost broke into tears when Mino sat himself down beside his father and the men he was talking to at the other end of the large table. That was until he smiled and motioned for Taehyun to join them. More introductions happened, but all that mattered to him was Mino's hand in his own. Food was served and chattered quieted to a low murmur as everyone began to eat. His hands shook so severely that he had to ask Mino to help him cut his meet. He could see the look of embarrassment on his face as he leaned over and sliced his beef into pieces as if he were a young child. With burning ears and downcast eyes, he picked at his food, barely tasting the small amount of food he managed to eat.

The plates had barely been cleared away before Taehyun was excusing himself to the bathroom. Locking himself in the far stall, he promptly threw up the little he consumed. Leaning against the stall wall, he tried to calm down before he started dry heaving or worse hyperventilating. If he had been thinking, he would have grabbed his phone from his jacket pocket. Even then he wasn't sure he if would have been able to text Mino for help. This night had been too important for him to baby Taehyun. He was just going to have to suck it up. Before he had the chance to catch his breath properly, someone was knocking on the stall door. 

"Occupied." He called, wiping the sweat from his face with the back of his hand. 

"Tae. Open up." Mino demanded, sounding cross. 

Reaching up, he unlocked the door and shifted out of the way as it swung open.

"You've been in here for a long time. People are starting to notice you're missing." He knelt down in front of him, a tender hand going to stroke his bangs back. 

Taehyun leaned into the touch, closing his eyes for a moment. He tried to explain his anxiety and insist that he was fine, but his words kept getting jumbled up and stuttered.

"Dessert will be served soon, then the night will be over and we'll be home before you know it. Please, Tae. Hold it together only a little bit longer." He was close to begging now. 

He tried to nod, but he could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks. "I only need a minute. I'll be fine." He insisted, reaching out and holding on to Mino's hand. Focusing hard on his breathing, he tried to calm down and find the happy place he had been in earlier that day.

"It's okay, diva." Mino sighed. "Stay here...I'll get out coats and say goodbye to everyone for us. I'll tell them you're sick. Deep breaths. I'll be back."

With a squeeze of his hand, Mino stood up and left the bathroom. Taehyun was confused. He couldn't have been taking that long. It felt like a few seconds since Mino came knocking. Checking his watch, he saw that it was close to nine. Over half an hour had passed since he excused himself to go to the bathroom. Heat rose to his face as guilt and embarrassment washed over him. 

The cab ride back to Taehyun's apartment had been painfully silent. Mino kept an arm around him, holding him close and rubbing his arm gently, but never speaking. Every time Taehyun tried to speak, his words caught in his throat and his tears started flowing again. Once home, they changed in silence and Mino said it was time to sleep--that a little rest would help them feel better.

The colour changing in the sky is enough of a hint for Taehyun to start heading home. The sun will be rising soon, which means people will be out starting their days soon. Something he doesn't want to be around at all. For him Saturday's are a day to spend in bed, possibly studying although usually spent watching One Piece and Death Note. By the time he arrives home, the sun is breaking the horizon and Mino is awake and in the small kitchen.

"Where have you been?" He snaps, pulling Taehyun into a hug before he was out of his shoes. "You're freezing. Back to bed."

Mino pulls away enough to lead them over to the bed and tuck him under the covers. He climbs in beside him, holding him close. 

"You're not mad anymore?" He asks, glancing up nervously. 

"No. Of course not. I'm not really happy. But that's cause you left in the middle of the night."

"You were mad at me...I didn't mean to ruin your night last night."

"It's fine. I understand, diva. New people, overwhelming situation. I was nervous too."

"I'm sorry."

"I said it's fine. I'm not mad. I got over it before I fell asleep. I can't stay mad at you. I love you too much."

"You love me?" Taehyun sat up, looking over the man's face in search of anything saying that he wasn't serious.

"Yes. I do."

"Say it again."

"I love you." He chuckled. 

"Say it again."

"I love you." He repeated, smile still on his lips. 

"Say it again."

"Say it back."

"I love you." He whispered. 

"I know." Mino smiled, leaning down to kiss him. "Now sleep, yeah?"

Taehyun lied down without argument, cuddling into the warmth of Mino's side.

"Say it again?" He asked, closing his eyes.

"I love you." He laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe things are getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** Distorted body image. Mentions of self harm, blood, and scars.

For most people a mirror is a way to check ones own reflection. At times used to check the surrounding areas to be sure it's safe. For Taehyun, the mirror is a reminder of how sick he is. While his own eyes stare back at him, all he sees is the scars on his hallowed cheeks or how disgustingly unkempt his hair is. He despises mirrors almost as much as his own reflection.

In a fit of rage a few months back when he first got sick, he slammed his hand into the mirror in the bathroom, shattering the glass and slicing his hand open in a number of places. He remembers the blood; dark and thick seeping from his hand until it pooled on the tile floor. He remembers stepping on the broken shards, crushing them into smaller pieces. What he doesn't remember is what happened after. How he ended up at the hospital getting stitches or how the mirror got replaced is still a mystery to him to this day. Before the stitches were removed from his hand, Taehyun had hung a spare blanket over the replaced mirror.

The first night Mino had stayed over, he questioned the situation. Even though Taehyun refused to give any real answer, save for a few minor grunts and muttered words, the older had let the topic be. It wasn't until he started staying regularly did he start removing the blanket to use the mirror. Sadly, one of the first things that Taehyun learned about the other was that he was in a word, an idiot. Forgetful with a habit of saying anything that came to his mind. While it does provide him with plenty of cheap laughs, it also leaves him tripping over shoes and school books and using the bathroom in the dark because Mino forgets to replace the blanket.

What Mino lacks for in basic common sense, he makes up for with many other qualities that Taehyun didn't realize he enjoys. Great taste in movies and music, a constant need for affection, compliments and kind words for days, a light and refreshing personality, wisdom that even surprised Mino himself.

Taehyun is always smiling when Mino starts to rap along with whatever is playing through the speakers that day. It's even better when Mino starts to freestyle. Silly little raps usually about what he's doing or whatever he needs to remember for an upcoming test. More than once he made up raps to help Taehyun study, but he can't rap so he listens to Mino and attempts to convert something into long term memory. 

"How did the test go?" Mino asks after classes are finished. Their fingers are laced loosely, hands swinging as they walk.

"I thought I was gonna get a B. I studied so hard." Tahyun starts, his free hand fidgeting with the lock on his bag. "But then I got the test back...I got an A!" A smile broke out across his face as he pulls the paper out of his bag to show off. 

"This calls for a celebration!" The older declares, smiling proudly upon seeing the red 98 written across the top of the page. "We're going out tonight. Whatever you want to do. Dinner? Dancing? Game cafe?" He teases.

"Can we see a movie?" He asks, sliding his paper back into his bag.

"Whatever you want. It's your celebration."

The second they arrive home, Mino is digging the test from Taehyun's bag and hanging it on the fridge. Taehyun blushes and tries to act embarrassed even though there is no hiding the proud smile on his face.

"You didn't shower this morning. Go clean up. I'll pick out our clothes. Try to think about what you want for dinner too."

Tossing his dirty clothes into the hamper in the corner, he steps into the steamy shower with a smile still on his face. For the first time in a long time, he sings while he washes up. It's a strange feeling, being in such a good mood. He can't remember the last time that he was truly happy. The anxiety and depression are still lingering just below the surface, he can feel them. Yet lately, he has been able to get past them. Stepping away from the overwhelming situation with Mino to talk for a few minutes instead of having to go home completely. The depression is a little trickier to deal with, yet the they have managed. Mino will cuddle him in bed for a few hours while cartoons play mindlessly on the television before he eases them out of the bed and into some simple activities. Colouring or baking are always good go to projects.

The days when Mino works aren't easy. Seungyoon has been a big help with those days. Taehyun enjoys reuniting with his best friend. Catching up on life as if they haven't seen each other in years instead of a few days at the most. They'll sit at the cafe and study and joke over warm drinks and sugary snacks, or in one of the apartments, lying in bed with game controllers like they were back in high school. Still Taehyun has a habit of keeping his problems to himself, he has been trying to keep Seungyoon involved with what has been going on, especially now that things have been getting better. If he keeps trying, he hopes things will return to normal again. Video games and nights out drinking with friends without anxiety killing the mood. Only better this time because Song Mino will be hanging on his arm.

Stepping out of the shower, Taehyun wraps himself in the towel hanging on the rack. His singing stops abruptly when he spies himself staring back at him in the half fogged mirror. Just as quickly, his gaze drops to the ground but not before he gets a semisolid view of himself that makes his stomach churn. Fumbling with the doorknob, he stumbled into the main room, dripping water on to the floor and barely holding his towel in place.

At first, Mino starts to talk about the movies playing in the cinema before he turns to look at Taehyun. Instantly his demeanor changes. Rushing over, he gathers the shaken lad into his arms, guiding them to a sitting position on the floor without an regard to the amount of water his clean clothes are collecting.

"Deep breaths. I've got you. You okay." He mutters, pressing kisses into Taehyun's hair.

"I'm okay." Taehyun insists, though his trembling voice begs to differ. Slowly, he begins to pull away, eyes fixed on the ground.

"You sure?" Mino can't help but ask, a loving hand stroking over the younger's cheek, not giving any mind to the healing scabs or fading scars.

Taehyun nods, forcing himself to his feet. "Let's get dressed. We don't want to miss the movie." He moves to return to the bathroom and blanches. "Would you...cover the mirror please?"

Eyebrows knitting together, Mino steps into the steamy room and moved the blanket back into place until every last corner of the reflective surface is hidden. Returning to the bathrooms, he shuts the door before any questions can be asked. He doesn't want to deal with questions and long winded explanations. He wants to celebrate and be happy. Talking would only ruining it. Eventually he knows he will have to explain the situation to Mino. Most triggers he has told the older about, causing him to go out of his way to make sure Taehyun avoids them or helps him face his fears. For some reason, this isn't something he is comfortable sharing yet.

Taehyun has played out the possible scenario over and over again in his head. He'll explain his issues with mirrors and his reflection and this won't be something Mino can let go. He is constantly fawning over Taehyun, exclaiming about how cute he is and how beautiful he is. No, this won't be something Mino will want to let go. They'll stand in front of the mirror while the older goes on and on about the good things about Taehyun, probably even talking about his scars and scabs, while all he will be able to see is the flaws he's seen since he was in high school. It will never change. He want so badly to be the boy that Mino raves about. Even though he knows it will be near impossible. Mino loves the boy that Taehyun despises. It would be like Batman suddenly deciding he loves the Joker. Impossible. So for now, he'll have to deal with it and work harder on reminding Mino to cover the mirror or figure out how to avoid it if the other isn't an option. Vaguely, as he begins to dress, he wonders how difficult it will be to shower in the dark.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insomnia is the friend that Taehyun doesn't remember inviting over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** insomnia

Sleep problems tend to go hand in hand with mental illness. Either you sleep all the time or not at all. Taehyun is the latter. Insomnia plagues his existence, leaving him sitting awake until the wee hours of the morning. There isn't a home remedy that he hasn't tried in the past. Warm milk, jasmine tea, exercising, you name it, he's tried it. None of them seem to help him. 

Sadly for Taehyun, Mino falls asleep easily after a long day of school and work. As much as he tries to stay awake until Taehyun falls asleep, he simply cannot. Slowly, with him realizing his eyes will drift shut until Taehyun is lying them both down and cuddling under the older's arm. He always hopes that sleep will consume him as well, and sometimes it does. Rarely does he stay lying in Mino's arms, even though he would like to. He always worries, as he grows restless, that his movements will wake the other. So he pulls away, lying on his side of the bed, attempting sleep, until frustration gets the better of him and he sits up.

He thinks about studying, or reading, or catching up on his dramas, but makes no move to retrieve any of the needed materials for those activities in fear of waking Mino. The older already does so much that he deserves the little sleep that he does get. Taehyun would only feel worse if he accidental woke him.

On a good night, he stays bored, mind content with the simple activity of scrolling through SNS on his phone or watching the moon slowly creep across the sky. On a bad night, the anxiety makes it impossible to be still. It starts with his fingers, tapping repeatedly against his knees or his thumbs until they find their way to his face, scratching new patches of his cheeks raw. Soon his legs are shaking and he climbs from the bed, pacing the length of the small apartment as silently as possible.

The small space made it easy to stay quiet. A meager fifteen steps from the front door to the edge of his bed shoved in the corner. Sometimes he paces an extra six steps around the counter into the kitchen. Although, in the dark, he often bumps into the corner of the counter, leaving bruises on his left hip. It's his routine. Pacing back and forth and back and forth until the sun rises or he gets tired. Maybe that's why he's so skinny. Even he knows that's a lie. He's skinny because he doesn't eat. Not because he spends hours pacing the floor.

Luckily, Mino sleeps like a dead man. He barely moves as Taehyun climbs over him and sleeps through the endless pacing. While Taehyun wishes that the older would be awake with him, he's glad that one of them gets sleep. He knows if Mino were awake, not much would change. The older would hold him, maybe sing to try to get him to sleep. Food might be made and eaten, some talking would happen. A few hours would pass, before Mino starts to fight to keep his eyes open.

Legs sore from pacing, he sits on the kitchen floor with his back against the oven. He's facing the small fridge, studying the magnets and the things being held up by them. The take out menu from Mino's favourite Chinese restaurant, a bill that still needed to be paid, the grocery list, pictures the two of them coloured. According to studies Mino found, colour is supposed to help with anxiety. So he got a Pororo colouring book and a box of crayons. It provided a good distraction and calmed him down to a manageable level when he got too overwhelmed with whatever they were doing. Now if only he could spend most of his time colouring, he would be good.

Staring at the fridge, he tapped his bare feet on the cold kitchen floor. He knew everything plastered on the surface well. Every item of the takeout menu was engraved into his mind, so much so that if he was ever the one ordering the food he would be able to do it without ever having to look at the menu. The pictures were the better coloured ones. Taehyun had coloured his in dark and pastel colours, making the happy penguin seem like a gothic teenage. Mino had added more to his picture, so a nail file was hidden in the cake that Loopy had baked as she stood outside the jail he had drawn in. The imagination in the older made him smile.

"Diva. What are you doing?" Mino asks, as a soft hand strokes over Taehyun's cheek. 

Groaning, he pushes himself up, his joints popping in protest from spending the night on the hard floor. When had he fallen asleep?

"What are you doing out here?" He asks, a tired smile on his face. "Are you feeling okay?"

All he can do was shake his head, holding out his arms to the older. Without a word, Mino pulls him into his arms, hands rubbing the knots out of his back.

"You're freezing. Let's get you to bed." Easily Taehyun is hoisted up into Mino's arms and carried over to the bed. He doesn't have the energy to protest, relaxing into the warm sheets where Mino had been lying. A small smile plays on his lips as the blankets are tucked in around him, his eyes drifting shut. He expects the bed to sag with the weight of the other climbing under the sheets beside him, instead he is met with the sound of the shower running and a quiet song being sang.

Smile fading, he sits up, staring at the bathroom door. He knows the song Mino sings well, it actually being one of his favourites. Yet the frown stays on his face as he listens, eyes still trained on the bathroom door. Mino is supposed to be in bed cuddling him, not showering as a start to the day. That's what the neighbors do. Finally, Mino emerges, towel wrapped tightly around his waist, hair still slightly damp. He's still humming as he crosses over to the dresser.

"Lie with me." Taehyun says, his voice quieter than he wants it to be.

"I can't, diva. I gotta go to work today." He drops the towel and begins dressing. 

"Call in." He insists, sounding more and more like a stubborn child.

"I can't, Tae." He stops dressing, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. Firmly yet gently, he lies Taehyun back down against the pillows. "I know you're tired. I can see it in your eyes. Relax. Go to sleep. I'll be home even before you wake."

Tears burn at the corner of his eyes. Hugging the blankets tighter around himself, he rolls on to his side, with his back to Mino. He feels a hand rubbing his back and wants to pull away, angry with the older for leaving him but he finds too much comfort in the touch. The bed shifts as Mino rises.

"I'll be home before you know it and we'll spend the rest of the day doing whatever you want. I promise." He insists.

Taehyun has stopped listening. His chest aches with an empty hallow was that he knows all too well. When this feeling strikes, the last thing he wants to do it be alone. This is also when he struggles to be around people the most. His friends always want to do things that he doesn't have the energy for. Although all does is lie awake when he is alone, scared to leave his bed.

He closes his eyes as the bed dips against, faking sleep and hiding his tears. He knows Mino won't be able to stay and doesn't want him to worry when he should be focused on work. The elder whispers sweet words into Taehyun's ear before kissing his cheek lovingly and existing the apartment, so silently that he sits up to be sure he is alone.

Lying back down, he curls into the mattress, pulling the blankets over his head. Slowly the tears begin to leak from his eyes and he buries his face in Mino's pillow, breathing in the familiar scent of his boyfriend, trying to fool himself into think that he isn't truly alone. He knows Mino will be home soon. It will only be a few hours until he is wrapped in the warm embrace of the strong, older man. He can handle that. He has to.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going home isn't always as fun as it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** Multiple panic attacks, minor descriptions of sexual acts

With the semester winding to an end, and holidays approaching, Taehyun should have been more prepared to get the call from his mother to tell him to come home for a visit. As much as he doesn't want to go home. Mino thinks it'll be a good idea. Taehyun has yet to introduce his boyfriend to his parents, and in all the time they had been dating, he hadn't gone home once to see they, nor had they come to see him. It was a long overdue visit, according to Mino. Which meant they were going.

Not even a week after the last exams were taken, Mino has two train tickets purchased and begins packing their bags for the trip the following day. Taehyun simply sits in the center of the bed, hugging his knees and watching the older pack their bags. He knew he should be helping, but he doesn't want to move from his spot.

"I don't see why you're worrying so much. You're doing so much better. Your parents will be so proud." Mino says, returning from the bathroom with their toothbrushes and toothpaste.

"How much have I told you about my parents?" He asks quietly. 

"Don't mumble." He reminds him, returning to the bathroom for shampoo and soap. "You haven't aid much about them. Only that they know you're sick. And they're paying for you to go to school and stay in this apartment. And that you look just like your mom. That is really it. I don't even know their names."

"Have you ever thought why I haven't told you?" He continues to mumble his words. "It doesn't matter. You'll see."

Taehyun lies down, completely missing the look that Mino gives him. His eyes stay glued to the stack of textbooks sitting in the floor across from the bed. Those will have to be sold before the next semester starts. That money will go to the next set of textbooks he'll need for the classes he still needs to sign up for. He shouldn't procrastinate that much longer. He'll miss out on the classes he needs if he does that. Then he'll get stuck in with the professors no one wants to the really early classes. 

"Hey." Mino calls out, the bed dipping with his weight as he crawls on top of Taehyun. "Get out of your head." He rolls him on to his back and kisses his lips sweetly. "It'll be fine."

"How do you know?" He mumbles, his fingers flitting over the collar of Mino's hoodie. 

"Trust hyung." He says, leaning down to kiss his cheek. "It'll be fun." A kiss to the other cheek separates the sentence from the next. "You'll show me your old bedroom." A kiss to the lips is slow and sweet before he pulls away again. "You'll show me around your home town." He kisses lower, lips dragging down his jaw. "You'll tell me all these amazing stories." Teeth are dragged over skin, making Taehyun shiver. "I'll tease you the whole time." He kisses over the slight mark his teeth left. "It'll be fine. Might even be fun. You're worrying over nothing."

Taehyun whimpers, tugging at Mino's collar. This is a recent tactic that the older has recently picked up to distract and also relax him. Fortunately--or unfortunately, he hasn't decided yet--the tactic has been working. Another whimper leaves his throat and he moves his legs so Mino is lying between them. 

"Tell me I'm right." He teases, his breath cool against Taehyun's flushing skin. 

"You might be." He shrugs. 

"No. You know I'm right. It'll be fine." He teases, nipping at pale skin. 

"Mino, please." His tone changes as he feels the anxiety starting to rise again. 

"Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?" The older pulls away enough to try to meet his gaze. 

"I want you to stop talking." His dark eyes are shut, hands tightly holding on to Mino's hoodie. 

"Deep breath, diva. We're okay." He places a gentle kiss on his forehead. "I'm being serious now. No matter what happens, I'll be right there with you. We'll be just fine. I'll make sure of it."

Taehyun nods, pulling Mino down to him, burying his face in his soft fabric clad chest. Breathing in the sweet and spicy smells that are his boyfriend calm his down a little.

"We're fine. We're in our apartment. It's warm." Mino drops his head, catching Taehyun's lips. "You're in my arms. Exams are over. Nothing else matters right now except us right now. Want me to keep going?"

A sigh of content falls from the younger's lips and he nods. A teasing smile crosses Mino's face. "Use your words, diva."

"Please, hyung." He whines, tugging harder at the other's hoodie. 

Mino leans back down, connecting their lips in a heated kiss. His fingers trail over Taehyun's sides, waiting for any form of response from him before slipping his hands under his shirt. While the two have been together for some time, he still struggles with accepting intimate touches and being completely exposed to the older. More often than not clothes are simply pushed out of the way and the lights are kept off while Mino takes care of both of them. Skilled hands work the younger into a fit until he is whining and begging, precious anxieties forgotten.

Some nights, like tonight, Taehyun is more hesitant about the touches, shaking his head when Mino moves to remove his sweatpants entirely. Never admitting his own frustrations, the older goes along with what the younger needs, knowing that that is what matters. He knows tricks from his teenage years on how to give, and receive, pleasure with the need to be unclothed. His fingers ghost over Taehyun's sides and he grinds their hips together in a slow steady rhythm. Moments like this, when he is completely lost in Mino's movements are the only times that Taehyun will get loud. His moans and whines fill the tiny apartment, encouraging Mino to move faster, bring them closer to climax. When they finish, Mino can't contain the amused laughs that escape his throat due to the uncomfortable stickiness in his shorts. He asks Taehyun if he wants to shower with him, surprised when the younger agrees.

The next morning the alarm goes off earlier than normal, screaming out the annoying siren Mino uses to wake up. Letting out annoyed sound, Taehyun attempts to burrow deeper under the covers. The sun isn't even close to lighting up the skies it is so early. The alarm is shut off and the bed shifts as the older rises, knocking the covers back so Taehyun is hit by a wave of cold air. Reluctantly, he slips from the covers and dresses in the warm clothes that are held out to him.

Still being half asleep on the bus ride to the train station, Taehyun stays close to Mino simply for warmth and as something to lean on, not yet experiencing anxiety. Waiting in the cold morning air forces him to wake up and deal with the day. He shrinks closer to Mino, holding tightly to his side and keeping his head down to avoid dealing with the knowledge of the copious amount of people mulling on the platform. Students going home for holiday and businessmen commuting for work. Luckily the early morning is effecting everyone, as not much noise is in the air. Coughs and shuffling feet, the occasional hushed conversation. When the train arrives, Mino leads them to the back of one of the cars, claiming a few seats as their own. Taehyun sits by the window, Mino beside him, and their bags occupy the seats across from them.

The train ride goes smoothly until the conductor announces the next stop will be the one they will be exiting at. Panic hits Taehyun before he even realizes. The world shifts around him and he can barely breath, like a vise has tightened around his chest. All sounds fade and he is trapped inside of his own head, feeling like he might die. He struggles to breath, hyperventilating until he is dizzy.

_People are staring. Get yourself together._

Taehyun can't process that it is Mino pushing him until his head is between his knees. He barely feels the other's hands rubbing soothing circles on his back, doesn't hear the comforting words and calmly given instructions to take slow deep breaths over the roaring in his ears. What he does hear is an unfamiliar voice asking what's wrong with him. His face burns hot and he grips Mino's wrist, silently begging for help. 

The train slows to a stop and people begin exiting the train. Mino grabs their bags and pulls Taehyun to his feet, holding him steady and protectively close. He isn't sure how he manages to walk off the train and on to the platform. The cold air bites as his face and brings him one small step closer to reality. Mino sits him on a bench, sitting beside him and rubbing his back, quietly telling him to only focus on his breathing. He can feel people staring at him. He knows they are all staring, wondering what's wrong with him, if he'll be okay, if it's contagious. He leans into Mino's side as tears start rolling down his cheeks. 

"I'm sorry, hyung." He mutters, rubbing his eyes with cold fists.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for. It's okay. We're fine." Mino reassures him. "Wanna sit up for me?"

With a small nod, Taehyun slowly sits up.

"Good boy." He kisses his cheek lightly. "See? We're fine. I've got you."

After a few more minutes to recover, the two rise. Taehyun is still shaking and the occasional tear falls from his lashes, but he's got himself more or less under control. The bus ride across town is slow going, but it's a ride he knows well, having taken the bus since he was twelve. Absentmindedly he points out places along the way. Where he went to middle school, where he waited tables in high school, the park he used to skateboard at, where he used to go when he didn't want to go home, the used record store that was surprisingly still there, his favourite second hand store. He doesn't even realize that as he talks a smile is on his face. When the bus slows at their stop, he is on his feet and by the door before Mino has a chance to tell him. Muscle memory mainly. He still isn't looking forward to this trip.

Taehyun continues to point out things as they walk through the neighbourhood. The park he used to play at when he was younger, various spots where he found cats to bring home, the tree he fell out of and broke his arm, the houses of people he didn't even know if they still lived inside the walls. He slows to a stop, standing outside the gate of a very modest home, staring at it with a look Mino couldn't place. Before they have a chance to open the gate, the front door is opened and a woman rushes out. Taehyun is the spitting image of her.

"Umma!" He calls, pushing open the gate and meeting her halfway. He hugs her tightly, almost lifting her off her feet. Mino follows behind with the bags. He bows respectfully when the is over and formally introduces himself, even though Taehyun has told his mother about his boyfriend.

"He's in a good mood today." His mother reassures him, patting his stomach. "Aish! You are too skinny. Both of you." She takes both of their arms and tugs them towards the door. "I'm making a big lunch for both of you and you will eat it well."

Taehyun lets himself be dragged along, staring nervously at the windows on the front of the house as they go. Shoes are removed at the door and his mother waves them off towards the stairs, telling them to get settled while she cooks. He doesn't have to be told twice, grabbing Mino's hand tightly and dragging him upstairs. His old bedroom is just the way he left it last time he was home, even down to the unmade bed. Walls are dotted with music posters from English speaking artists and photographs of famous graffiti. A worn guitar sits in the corner beside his old desk, still covered in papers, photographs, and his first camera. Embarrassingly enough, some of his old toys still lie about the room as well.

"Your mom sees like she missed you." Mino remarks, dropping the bags. 

"It's been a while since my last visit." He shrugs, shedding his coat.

"They're your parents. We should visit more often."

"You won't be saying that for long." He mumbles before quickly changing the subject. Sitting down on his mattress, he picks up his guitar and starts plucking a melody. The older sits beside him, studying him as he plays. They sit like that for a while until his mother calls up that food is ready.

The meal passes uneventfully, the three of them sitting at the small kitchen table. Plates and bowls cover nearly every surface. His mother asks questions about school and many about Mino. She tells him about how amazingly his little brother is doing at his new boarding school, about her job at the nursing home, about his aunts and cousins. Soon Taehyun is pushing his plate away, thin stomach now plump with food. Relaxing in his chair, a smile sits on his face as he watches his mother and Mino getting along so perfectly and talking so easily. He almost forget the anxiety when he hears a door open and heavy footfalls stumbling towards the kitchen. His spine stiffened as every instinct told him to leave.

"Who's the flower boy?" A gruff voice asks, the fridge opening and closing along with his voice. 

Taehyun keeps his eyes down, wringing his hands nervously. His mother reached over and takes one of her hands in his, squeezing gently. 

"This is one of Tae's friends from school." She speaks up. "This is my husband."

"Song Mino. It's nice to meet you, sir." Mino stands and bows politely, looking from Taehyun to the man behind him.

A grunt is the only reply that comes from the man. The floor shakes with heavy footsteps approaching the table. A bottle of beer is set in the corner of the table and a hand sits on his shoulder, heavy and holding tight to steady his large form as he reaches to eat the leftover jeon and fish on Taehyun's plate. The smell of stale alcohol fills his nose, making his stomach churn. He fights to pull away from the touch.

"Aren't you gonna give your dad a hug, boy?" The man's question comes out as a command.

His mom squeezes his hand, telling him to do as his father says. Rising on shaky legs, he wraps an arm the man's sizable stomach. He reeks of body odor, unwashed clothes, and stale beer. The clothes he wears are old and stained, holes worn into the cuffs of the sleeve and hem of the dingy t-shirt he wore. Large arms encircle him tightly, pulling him closer. The embrace lasts longer than wanted, but ends eventually. Taehyun drops down into his chair, as his father collects a few more pieces of food and his beer before returning to the room he came from. The second the door slams back into place, he is on his feet, rushing upstairs to the bathroom. His nose is burning with the sickening odor.

Rushing into the bathroom, he removed his sweater and bends over the sink, scrubbing at his face and arms. Water splashes over the edge of the basin, soaking the floor and the front of his jeans. He doesn't hear the tentative footsteps coming into the room behind him, or the door shutting. He feels a hand on his bare back and jumps, pulling away from the touch, choking for breath. 

"It's just me. I didn't mean to scare you." Mino holds up his hands.

Shaking, he sits on the floor, hugging himself. Mino sits down beside him, pulling him into his lap. He rocks the younger slowly, whispering quietly as he did.

"We're okay. I've got you. I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you, okay?" He says quietly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He chokes out, holding tightly to the older. "I'm sorry."

"You've got nothing to be sorry for. He doesn't seem that bad." He tries to sound positive. 

Taehyun shakes his head. "He's in a good mood today. He can get...I'm sorry."

"It's okay. We're gonna be fine." Mino promises, kissing the younger's temple, hoping he's right.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mino finally learns why Taehyun doesn't visit home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** Panic attacks, homophobic slurs, crying, lots of crying

Taehyun doesn't wake up when Mino rises. He doesn't have to because he hasn't fallen asleep yet, despite the tired burn in his eyes. Except today, he isn't sitting awake, he is lying down with his back to the world. When Mino comes back he closes his eyes and pretends to sleep, not wanting to hear the others attempts to coax him out of the bed. Staying in bed isn't really an option today, this he knows, but he isn't sure if he can leave the bed today. Mino's quiet footfalls come back into the room and the thin mattress drips as he kneels behind him. He allows himself to roll against the others knees with the movement on the bed, still feigning sleep. A kiss is dropped on to his temple before the covers are pulled up snuggly and he is left alone. Even after the click of the door is in place, he doesn't open his eyes.

Sleep must have consumed Taehyun because he can feel Mino's strong hands stroking over his arm in a gentle attempt to wake him. Groaning quietly, he moves on to his other side, curling around Mino. Slim fingers card through his hair, gingerly removing knots from the strands. A small moan of content falls from Taehyun's lips as he leans into the touch. The older doesn't say a word, only situates himself comfortably on the pillows. The younger isn't sure how long they stay like that, not long enough for his liking. All too soon, Mino is talking, ruining the tranquility.

"It's getting late, diva. You can't sleep the day away. It's not good for you." He speaks quietly, fingers still working through the now silky smooth hair.

"Yes, I can." He argues weakly.

A frustrated sign comes from the man above him, making him feel guilty. He knows that no matter what Mino suggests next, he will be going along with it. He doesn't like upsetting Mino.

"We don't have to stay here if you don't want." The man tries, fingers stilling in Taehyun's hair. "We can go out. You can take me to your favourite spots around town. We'll get food. We can shop. It'll be nice."

Sitting up and pushing the covers away, he agrees. Climbing over Mino, he makes his way to the bathroom across the hall. The second he steps out of his old bedroom, fear washes over him. Attempting to ignore it, he enters the bathroom. After quickly relieving himself, he rushes back to the bedroom without brushing his teeth or even washing his hands. Fear and panic sit heavily in his chest causing him to fight for breath. Stumbling back into his old bedroom, he shuts the door harder than he means to and drops to a squat, hanging his head between his knees as everything begins to go dark.

"Tae." Mino sounds far away. He doesn't even realize the other is touching him, even as he collapses into his arms. "Deep breaths, Tae. You're okay. I've got you. Slow deep breaths. You're okay."

A sob shakes his body, kick starting his breathing. He holds tightly to Mino's arms, sobbing until his stomach aches like he might be sick. But at least he is breathing. His knees ache from kneeling on the wood floor. Tears still roll down his cheeks as he moves back to his bed. He's safe in his bed. In an instant Mino is beside him, fingers gliding through his hair and over his back.

Resting his head on Mino's thighs, in the safety of the small bed, Taehyun begins to calm down. Soon Mino starts talking. Babbling mindlessly about trivial things so Taehyun can focus on somethin else. He talks of the classes he is planning on taking, about getting a different job because he can't stand the odd hours of working at the convenient store, about the posters hanging on the walls around them, telling stupid stories about the bands he hasn't ever listened too. Slower than he is comfortable with, his breathing returns to normal and his tears slow. Even after he calms down, he stays in that position, curled up against Mino's thigh, somewhat terrified to move as the fear still looms over him.

Apologies fall quietly from his lips, voice shaky and quiet. The intense feeling of guilty causing him to continues his hushed apologizes even after Mino insists that it's fine. All he hears in his head is that stupid voice reminding him that he doesn't deserve Mino. All Mino wanted was to get out of the house and to see where Taehyun had grown up, not spend another day shackled to the bed like a prisoner. Before he realizes, he is crying again. Tears dampening the fabric of the older's trousers. No sobs leave his lips. It's not that type of crying. He's silent on purpose, not wanting to be anymore of a burden on the other. When he sniffles, he feels Mino's fingers back in his hair and his deep voice fills the room again, talking for the sake of distraction. This time giving opinions on movies Taehyun has never seen.

Slowly, the lightening in the room changes as the sun begins to set. Shadows get longer until they disappear entirely. At some point, Mino turns on the lamp beside the bed, brightening the room slightly. He can hear Mino's stomach growling and feel the ache in his own, yet neither boy says anything or makes a move to get up. Taehyun knows it lies on his shoulders to make the first move but he can't bring himself to care right now. All he wants is to close his eyes and escape into the world of the unconscious. That proves to be too much to ask as Mino is snoring softly above him before the feeling of sleep even hits him.

The floorboards creak as someone ascends the stairs. Taehyun freezes, dreading an interaction with his father. Closing his eyes, he pretends to sleep as his door is opened. The footsteps crossing his room are delicate and deliberately quiet, each step calculated as not to disturbing the supposedly sleeping boys. His eyes stay closed when he feels the familiar touch of his mother caressing his cheek.

"Ah, my son. You were doing so well." She speaks so quietly Taehyun has to strain to listen. "I am truly sorry for all that has happened in the past." Her hand strokes his hair away from his eyes. "Sleep well, baby."

She removes her hand and the covers are tucked snuggly around him and Mino. As she leaves, the lights are turned off and the door is shut. He opens his eyes into the darkness and listens while she heads downstairs. It's not surprising when his father's slurred speech booms from below. He gripes and complains about everything. That dinner isn't cooked yet, that he is almost out of beer, that some sports team lost, and his favourite topic to yell about--his lazy excuse of a son, Taehyun. He swears violently as he complains that Taehyun never has done anything except lie in bed his whole life, how he'll never amount to anything, that the only pride of the family is his younger brother who is studying hard at boarding school to make up for Taehyun's shame, and worst of all the flower boy that he brought home.

Taehyun buries his face in Mino's thighs, thankful that the older is still asleep as his father spews bigoted and hateful comments about the two boys. Making threats about what he is going to do if they really are homos. Quiet sobs fall from his lips, wishing he never agreed to come home.

"I won't let him hurt you." Mino's hushed voice breaks through the darkness. "I didn't realize...I'm sorry I made you come home." He slides down in the bed, holding Taehyun close. A heartstring is tugged on so hard Taehyun loses his breath ehen he feels the dampness of Mino's tears against his cheek.

"I won't let him hurt you either." He promised, leaning over and kissing the older's cheek.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Taehyun takes care of Mino

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** none

Never has Taehyun been more relived to return to his tiny apartment. Yet it is him who is tugging a tired Mino quickly down the street away from the bus station. Below the relief of being away from his father, he can feel the familiar pang of guilt and sadness that comes along with leaving his mother behind. Sadly, he knows he'll deal with those emotions later, but right now the relief and exhaustion are in control, pushing him to move faster to get out of the cold.

The apartment smells like home and Taehyun actually smiles as he steps out of his shoes. Mixing with the smell of Mino's cologne is the smell of laundry still hanging on the rack and somehow still the smell of grease from the meal they cooked before they left. Still it is one of the best smells in the world right now.

"I'm going to bed." Mino mutters, shedding his clothes down to his underwear and undershirt.

"I can lay down with you." He offers, following the older to the bed. "That always helps make me feel better."

A small smile crosses his face as he drops down on the bed. "I'd like that, but I don't want you getting sick."

"I'll put my mask on." He pulls the black fabric from his pocket and hooks it over his ears. "Now I won't get your cooties."

"You're cute, diva." His laugh turns into a deep cough.

Taehyun can't help the small whimper that comes from his throat. Mino is sick. Which means he is responsible for taking care of them both. That thought gives him anxiety. Feeding them, making sure Mino gets medicine so he'll get better, praying that he doesn't get swallowed up by his own emotions and thoughts. Maybe a nap would be a good idea.

Quickly he shucks off his jeans and slides under the covers. The sheets are cold but the older might as well have been a camp fire with how much heat he was giving off. Mino rolls over, cuddling into Taehyun's side. It's clear he's already almost asleep. He wraps his arm around the older, stroking his fingers through Mino's hair.

The apartment is bright when Taehyun was woken to the sound of Mino getting sick. Quickly, he stumbles out of the bed, tripping over the blanket tangled around his feet. Ignoring the ache from his knee hitting the ground, he stands behind Mino rubbing his back tenderly until he sits up. Keeping a hand on the other's back, he fills the bathroom cup with water and handing it to him. After rinsing his mouth, Mino hands the cup back, leaning against Taehyun's stomach, exhaustion eminent on his face.

"Let's go back to bed." Taehyun insists, wishing he was strong enough to pick Mino up and carry him.

He does his best to help Mino to his feet, supporting the older's weight as they walk slowly back to the bed. Mino releases his tight grip on Taehyun's shoulders and drops down on to the bed like a bag of rice. Gently, Taehyun tucks his boyfriend under the covers before retreating to the kitchen. He stood at the counter, gazing into the bedroom in concern, attempting to figure out what to do. Mino needs medicine. That was a given. Probably a pan or something so he won't have to get up to get sick again. Even from the distance he stands at, he can see the sweat shining on his forehead. Cold compress to cool him down and break his fever. Simple tasks. Thought they still cause a pain of anxiety to form inside Taehyun's chest.

Quietly, he crosses to the bathroom and starts digging around for medicine. There isn't much left from the last time he was sick, but it will have to do for now. He tucks them into the crook of his arm and grabs a small towel, wetting it with cold water before returning back to the bed. Despite Mino already being asleep, he still does his best to set everything down quietly. He gently dabs the wet towel across the other's face, before draping is across his forehead. Going back to the kitchen, he retrieves a bottle of water, and the biggest mixing they have. Not wanting to make the sleeping man, he sets the other things down and gets comfortable at his small makeshift desk. A low sitting table in the corner of the room.

At first, he tries studying, flipping absently thought the pages of last semesters textbooks before he gives up. Instead he goes to his phone, scrolling through SNS until his eyes grow heaving and he rests his head on the desk.

Just a few minutes of rest, he tells himself. Then he'll get up and do something. The laundry needs to be done. Mino should probably eat something. He should probably eat something too. He'll make food after his small nap is finished. Just a few minutes then he'll really put in the needed effort. He might even walk to the store and actually make a proper meal for Mino. Something easy on the stomach. What was that dish his mom used to make him when he was sick? Some rice porridge...with onions and...something else in it...

"Diva?" Mino's sleep deepened voice pulls him from his slumber as something pokes at his back. 

"What's wrong? What do you need?" He asks, sitting up before he is even fully awake.

"I'm fine. I don't need anything." He smiles, pulling his leg back under the blankets. "You shouldn't be sleeping like that. It's bad for your back. If you're so tired, lie down in bed."

"I can't. I have stuff to do." He insists, rising to his feet.

The second he is upright the world shifts violently beneath his feet as his vision gets dark around the edges. His hand shoots out, grasping the counter to keep from tumbling back to the ground as the world rightened around him.

"Tae?" Mino's gravely voice is thick with worry and concern. A hand on his leg accompanies the word. 

"I'm fine. Just a little dizzy." He insists as the room comes back into focus. A smile is set on his face as he turns to the older. "I'm fine. I'm gonna go make you lunch."

"Make something for yourself too." He instructs with as much authority as a sick man can possess.

In the kitchen Taehyun busies himself with gathering the ingredients to make the simple meal. Even though he knows he should be a least a little concerned with the lightheadedness from a moment ago, he isn't. It's not the first nor the last time that he'll deal with the minor head rush that accompanies lack of eating. As he dumps rice and some leftover chicken into a pot filled with beef stock, he tries to recall the last time he ate. Probably the day before last if he thinks hard enough about it. Not that he does.

While the porridge cooks on the stove, he gathers up their dirty clothes from the trip, ignoring the look of concern that comes from Mino who is now sitting up in the bed. He can feel the eyes of the older boring holes into his back as he stuffs probably more clothes than recommended into the small laundry machine. He doesn't care if the drying racks will be over stuffed or that because he is washing so much they'll have to hang a lot of it in the bathroom to dry as well. He only wants the smell of his parents house off his clothes. Hopefully that will relax the ball of anxiety that still rests in his chest.

"When was the last time you took any medicine?" He asks, giving the older a small glance before he dips into the bathroom. The look on Mino's face says he's more concerned about Taehyun than he is himself.

Taehyun stares into the medicine cabinet for a moment, swearing under his breath, until he remembers that he moved the medicine to the nightstand beside Mino for convince. To make it seem like he didn't forget something he did, he washes his face and his hands. When he comes back out, Mino is leaning back against pillows, eyes flitting between open and shut. Taehyun makes quick work of giving the older the needed pills before he falls asleep.

"Sleep." He helps Mino lie down and cover up.

"Eat." He argues as his eyes slip shut.

For a bit, Taehyun sits on the edge of the bed, gently stroking Mino's damp locks off his sweaty forehead. As he sits, he studies the way the older's face moves as he dreams. Lines crease his forehead and his eyes shut tighter, despite Taehyun trying to soothe him. Fever dreams no doubt. Mino's forehead was still noticeably hot to the touch.

Rising to his feet, Taehyun wets the washrag with cold water before lying it across the other's forehead. Hopefully that will help with the high fever. It must feel nice as the muscles in the sleeping man's face relax and a sigh leaves his lips.

_At least I can do something right._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Depression is more than just being a little sad from time to time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CHAPTER WARNINGS:** Depictions of depression, crying

If being stricken with mental illness isn't bad enough, a lot also suffer from being painfully aware. Of everything. Of themselves, their illness, every little thing that they say and do, whether they are alone, with one person, or surrounded by hundreds of people. As well as being aware of all the things around them. Taehyun might not know what day it is, as the depression has a tendency to make the days melt together. But he is far too aware of everything else around him. Yet another burden he has to weigh him down. At times it can be a good thing to have tucked away, like when he's having a good day in class, he picks up on the lessons faster than his classmates. But more often than not, it's a problem.

His brain runs constantly, thoughts on top of thoughts coursing through his minds at all hours of the days. It's rare when he has a single, coherent train of thought. Often the thoughts get jumbled, trains crashing into each other and forming another entirely. While Mino still asks what Taehyun is thinking when he gets those adorable creases in his forehead, Taehyun tends to forget to include his boyfriend on the beginning half of the conversation, simply verbalizing the current thought in the forefront of his mind and babbling until he runs out of words. When he can, Mino will give a second part of the conversation, even if he doesn't always understand what is being talked about.

As far back as he can remember being sick, Taehyun has never been able to find something to calm his overactive, overly aware brain. Breathing exercises only do so much, bubbles never made sense to him, he would get too frustrated with origami, no matter how loud he turned his music up, it was never loud enough. For the most part, the best he can do is distract himself while his thoughts run rapid. That's why he is cleaning in the middle of the night. 

Quietly, Taehyun shuffles around the small apartment in pajamas and one of Mino's oversized hoodies straightening this and putting away that. His phone is tucked into the elastic waist of his pajama pants and blasting music loudly into his ears. Mino has been working crappy hours at the convenience store lately, leaving Taehyun in the care of Seungyoon. As a result Taehyun has sunken into depression and Mino hasn't been around to clean the apartment. It's shameful how disgusting the place as gotten.

Water bottles and empty ramen cups have piled up in one corner beside the bed, dirty clothes overflow from the basket on to the floor at the foot of the bed. Papers littered the floor as well as the desk. Take out food bags were pushed into a bottom corner of the bed when it was time to sleep, but not the corner the clean clothes sat in. The dresser was practically empty, only a few choice items of clothing were inside--nice clothes and a few random socks and shirts nobody wore. Trash was piled up and pushed crudely out of the way. Dirty dishes covered the counter and were piled high in the sink, still holding old and now rotting food. In the bathroom there is another pile of dirty clothes and towels, used face wipes and q-tips lie near the overflowing small trash can. There is a ring of discolouration around the tub and the drain in the sink. Practically every flat surface was covered in a layer of dirt or grime of some kind. Spilled soda in the kitchen, tooth paste and face wash in the bathroom, spilled ramen on the desk. The whole apartment was an embarrassing shame that Mino was too busy to take care of and Taehyun was too sick to give a care about.

Unsure of what to do awake in the middle of the third night that Mino worked the over night shift, Taehyun decided to be productive. Thus intense cleaning session. Maybe then Mino wouldn't seem so fed up with him. Seungyoon kept insisting whenever the younger opened his mouth about his concerns that Mino was anything but fed up with him. He insisted and told him repeatedly that Mino understood more about Taehyun than he thought he did. So maybe the notion was simply in his head. But even just the thought of Mino leaving him--other than making his chest hurt like he was having a heart attack--was enough motivation to get him to try to do something.

Soon the sky is starting to change colours as dawn approaches and Taehyun is nearly done with cleaning the apartment. Three trash bags sit outside the front door, ready to be taken down to the dumpster. The laundry machine has been going nonstop, as well as the dryer. Only one small pile of clothes is left to be laundered. Even the drying rack in the bathroom is full with their delicate sweaters. The kitchen is practically sparkling, and has probably been rearranged as Taehyun can't remember where anything went. Whatever was causing that odd stench to hang in the air has been removed and Taehyun has sprayed the whole apartment with lavender air fresher, as well as opened the windows, leaving everything a little chilly.

The lad is finally laying down to sleep when the front door is opened. Mino looks just as exhausted as Taehyun feels. His shoulders are slumped, the circles under his eyes are darker than they were when he left and his smock is crooked.

"Hi." Is all Taehyun can bring himself to say as he rises shyly to his feet. He isn't sure why he so nervous about seeing Mino's reaction to the cleanliness, but he is.

"Looks great. I'm proud of you." The tired man smiled, pressing a kiss to the younger's cheek. "Are you feeling better? What brought this on?"

"I don't want you to be mad at me." He admits quietly, his fingers dancing nervously over the edge of Mino's work smock.

"Mad at you? Why would I be mad?" He pulls the smock off and hangs it on the hook along with his coat.

"I was gonna make some food too, so you wouldn't have to worry when you got home. But we don't really have anything. I'm sorry." He says in lieu of answering the questions.

"I ate on break." Mino reassures him, bending down to meet Taehyun's downward cast gaze. "Diva. Are you okay?"

"I don't want you to leave." He whispers, feeling tears itch his eyes.

Angry with himself, he turns his back on his boyfriend and presses the palms of his hands into his eyes, willing the tears to stop. He isn't a crier, he hardly ever cries. No when he's depressed, only sometimes when he's anxious, not at sad movies. He doesn't want to cry.

"What are you talking about?" The older rounds Taehyun, gently pulling his hands away so the two are looking at each other. "Start from the beginning, please."

While Taehyun tries to find the proper words to express what's going through his head, Mino leads them over to the bed. He sits Taehyun down first before swiftly changing into a pair of now clean pajamas and positioning himself beside the younger. 

"I don't want to be sick anymore." Are the only words he manages to get out.

"I know you don't." The older starts. 

"I don't want you to leave me." Taehyun keeps talking as if Mino never said anything. He focuses hard on his hands, dry and cracked from the chemicals and hot water he used while cleaning. Absently, he picks at a newly forming scab. "You're busy all the time and it only makes me feel worse about it all. If I keep being like this you're gonna leave me."

"Taehyun." He reaches out and knocks the younger's hands away to stop him from picking. Carefully, he laces his fingers through Taehyun's.

"You work and go to school. You can't come home and cook and clean too without running yourself into the ground. My dad is right. I don't do anything. And if I don't stop this shit, I'm gonna end up just like him." He can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks but doesn't acknowledge them.

"No matter what you do or don't do, you aren't gonna end up like that man."

"How do you know?" He mutters bitterly, his grip on Mino's hand tightening.

"Because he's like that because he's a lazy drunk who gets his rocks off by badmouthing his kids, hitting his wife, and god knows what else. You're sick, Diva. There is a difference." He uses his free hand to wipe away the tears from the other's thin cheeks. "And no matter what happens, I'm not gonna leave you because you're sick. Do you remember when we first met? You were having a panic attack. And what did I do?"

"Followed me like a creep all the way home and pestered me for days at school like a stalker." He says, trying to keep the swell of emotions at bay in his chest. 

"Exactly." The older laughs. "If I stuck by you from that kind of start, and through everything else we've been through, why do you think I'll leave now?"

"Because I was doing so well." A sob escapes his throat and he crumples into Mino's side. "I was going to school and doing all my assignment. I was back at work again. We were going out with friends. I was better. Then I wasn't. The apartment hasn't been cleaned in months. I can't remember the last time I slept well, or showered, or even ate something that you didn't force at me."

"Tae."

"You don't have time to take care of me. You are still working at that stupid convenience store and you just got that internship with your dad. And you go to school too. You shouldn't have to come home to this crap. You deserve someone who can take care of things while you're gone. Or at least take care of themself. I can't even do that."

"Taehyun. Shut the fuck up and let me talk." Mino grips Taehyun under his chin and turns him so their eyes meet.

As much as he wants to pull away, he allows Mino to keep a grip on him, trying his hardest to maintain eye contact. Seeing the tears at the corner of the older's eyes makes the lump of guilt in his chest grow a dozen sizes until it's near impossible to breathe.

"I've known from the start that things weren't gonna be easy with you. And I don't care. I love every thing about you." Mino uses his thumb to swipe a tear away from under Taeyun's eye. "The good, the bad, and the disgusting. So I work a lot and the house gets messy. It'll get clean eventually. So your parents aren't the greatest. We'll visit mine over the holidays. So there are days you can't get out of bed. I'll stay with you. Always. Granted, I may have to leave for work or something. But I'm always coming back. There is nothing you can do that will make me not want to be with you."

"What if the house gets really dirty and gross like it was?" He asks, rubbing his eyes with his fist. 

Mino looks around and smiles. "It's clean now."

"What if we're somewhere important and I have a panic attack?"

"We'll leave."

"But what it's a really important business dinner?"

"Nothing will be more important than you."

"What if I rob a bank?"

"I'll drive the get away car."

"What if I kill someone?"

"I'll hide the body. Nam Taehyun. Listen to me. There is nothing in this world that you could possibly do that would make me want to leave you. I love you and I want to be with you."

"I love you too."

"I know you do. That's why you let me walk you home that day." He chuckles. 

"Yeah. Right." Taehyun laughs. "I barely knew you. I just wanted to go home and you wouldn't leave me be. You had to work for me."

"I'm still working for you."

"Don't be a cheese ball." He laughs loudly, leaning into Mino, tears long forgotten.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family doesn’t mean blood.

Nothing good ever happens in the middle of the night. Taehyun learned this lesson long ago, back when he was in high school, when he first got sick. Wandering around the city, underage, in the middle of the night, got him taken back to his house by police. Needless to say his parents had not been pleased with him. Grounded for nearly a month, in a phone-less, internet-less, Amish-like existence after his father whooped his ass, despite him being fifteen years old. At nineteen, when he was first living on his own at the start of college, he went to a party and got himself blackout drunk. He woke up in some strange bed with a half naked girl next to him. To this day, he is still unsure of what truly happened night. A year or two ago, on another one of his midnight wanderings, he witnessed a 24 hour convenience store getting robbed at gunpoint.

Nothing good ever happens in the middle of the night. Which is why Taehyun freezes when he sees his phone lighting up on the nightstand, buzzing incessantly waiting for him to answer the call. Mino is asleep between him and his phone, so he knows nothing bad happened to the person he cares about the most. He relaxes a little, knowing that and leans over his sleeping form.

Lighting up his phone screen his the identification photo assigned to his mother's contact. A picture from a year or so ago of him and his mother sitting close together at a coffee shop, a large smile on her face as he kissed her cheek. A good memory that he needed to capture with a selca. A rare day he got to spend alone with his mother when she came to visit him at school.

"Umma?" He answers nervously.

"My baby. I was worried you would not answer." She sounds like she has been crying. "I have bad news. Your father passed away."

Taehyun is left speechless. This can't be right. He can hear his mother still talking on the line, but he isn't understanding what she is saying in any sense. It's as if she is speaking another language. A few words drift into his head and their meanings register enough for him to make sense of them. _Ambulance. Unable._ _Doctors. Painless. Waiting. Heart attack. Home. Gone._ She keeps talking, even if he doesn't respond. He doesn't know how to respond. Simply sits dumbfounded in the bed, numb as if he had been wandering in the cold.

"Tae, what are you doing?" Mino's sleepy voice reaches his ears and he looks over at him. "Who's calling?"

Unable to find any words of his own to voice, he holds out the phone to the older. Sitting up with a confused expression, Mino takes the phone and begins talking. After a moment, he too falls silent. His face changes as the conversation goes on. A hand comes up to stroke Taehyun's cheek in a comforting manor. Eventually, he says his goodbyes and hangs up the phone. Arms reach out and encircle Taehyun, pulling gently and closely into the older's strong chest.

"You okay, diva?" His voice is soft, breath warm on his ear.

"Good riddance." He mumbles, pushing his boyfriend away. "Let's go back to sleep."

He lies down, facing the wall and closes his eyes. Tension he didn't know was in his shoulders relaxes as Mino cuddles up to his back, pressing a gentle kiss into his messy hair. The older's fingers stroke easily up and down Taehyun's side in attempts to lull him back to sleep. Yet, as expected, Taehyun doesn't sleep. His mind twists and turns into the past memories of his father, taking him back to times he chooses not to remember.

_Sweat drips down his brow and his arms shake as he attempts to keep his muscles from giving out. He balances on the palms of his hands and his toes, with his head down and his bum in the air. Behind him, his father is behind him, holding a switch picked from the tree in the yard. His bum is already throbbing and raw from the first few hits of the switch. He knows that if he lets himself fall, he'll have to rise back up and the count will begin again._

His bum stings at the memory of the frequent punishment. To this day he can't even remember what any of the reasons behind the punishments were. It seemed that it was at least once a week he was angering his father and forced to do push ups before getting his ass beat with a switch he picked from the tree. The smaller the switch he picked, the more strikes he would get. If the switch broke or he fell before the strikes were done, the whole regiment would begin again.

Heart racing and anxiety rising, he pulls away from a now sleeping Mino and sits up. For years during his childhood, he wished his father dead or gone. Now that the day has finally come, he is at a loss of emotions. No sadness aches in his chest. No relief that the asshole is finally out of his life. No fear like what he felt when his grandma died and he had to move back home after living with her for three years. Just a strange hollowness in his chest, completely void of emotions.

Carefully, he climbs over the sleeping older and begins to paces the apartment slowly, feet barely leaving the floor. Small circles in the bedroom area, before shuffling around the counter and doing the same in the kitchen until his feet got cold. The repetitive motions work to calm his anxiety, to some extent. He isn't even sure why he anxious. He knows he will be going home for the funeral and to support his mother, but without his father around, going home shouldn't cause him any more anxiety. Maybe it's due to the fact that his mother will be all alone now.  Or because without the money his father got for his disability checks, his mothers paycheck will have to go to keeping the house, which means there will be no money to pay for his little brother's boarding school. Maybe it's just all the unknowns that lie ahead of him and his family.

When his feet get too cold, he thinks about retreating back to the bed, but he knows he won't sleep. Instead he turns into the bathroom, filling the tub with hot water. He didn't wait for the tub to be full before climbing, pajamas and all. Steam swirls up from the water, bringing feeling to his entire body. He wraps his arms around his knees, staring into the water, not bothering to try to stop his mind as it wandered off in memories.

"Tae, what are you doing?" Mino's voice is cautious as he enters into the bathroom some time later.

"Just thinking." He mutters, barely moving as he replied.

"About your dad?" The sleepy older sits himself down on the edge of the tub, running a hand gently over Taehyun's back.

"Just...everything." He leans back into the touch.

"Understandable...why don't we get you dried off?" A hand reaches into the cold water and pulls the plug. "You mom called...the plans are all in place. Your father's funeral is in three days. Donghyun is already on his way home from school. Our train leaves in a few hours. We gotta get going."

Reluctantly, Taehyun rises to his feet, wet clothes clinging to his body and water dropping off every part of him. Before he even steps out of the tub, Mino is helping him strip out of his pajamas. He helps wring the water out of his pajamas and lies them over the shower rod before letting Mino help him out of the tub and wrap him in a towel. While he may be shaking, he only accepts the help from his boyfriend because it is offered. Empty is the only feeling in his body, nothing that is making him incapable of taking care of himself. But the actions of the older are a comfort that he will never reject.

Lying on the bed are their clothes for the day. Similarly coloured, ripped skinny jeans and matching oversized grey hoodies. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he dries himself off and pulls on his boxers and his clothes. On the floor beside the desk are their overnight bags, haphazardly packed. Pulling his socks, he finishes packing their clothes into the bags.

Soon enough, Taehyun finds himself being led through a somewhat crowded train car until Mino finds two seats for them together. The older sets their bags on the seats opposite them, to ensure they will be sitting alone for the duration of the trip. He sits curled up in his seat, staring out the window watching the country pass them by. Mino's hand is wrapped easily around his thigh, absently playing with the seams on his jeans. Occasionally, he hears the conductor make an announcement over the speakers as they approached a stop, yet pays it no mind. His mind is elsewhere.

_"Taehyun, what happened to you?" Teacher asked, gently turning his face this way and that to get a better look at the bruises on his face._

_The feeling of worry and dread filling his young belly, along with the strong urge to pull away from Teacher. But he knew better than to disobey. If he caused a fuss in school, he would be in a lot of trouble at home._

_"I was playing too rough with my little brother." He said quietly, keeping his gaze on the floor._

_"You need to be more careful." She smiled, letting him continue on to his seat._

_He made his way to his seat, burying his face in his folder to hide the bruises from his classmates. It wasn't the first time that he had shown up to class with bruises before. Every time he had an excuse as to what happened to him. But none of them were anything ever close to the truth. Every bruise he got was from his father for one thing or another. He knew better than to tell anyone. His mother knew and she took care of him and got into fights with his father about it as well. As long as Donghyun didn't get hit, he didn't really care what happened to him._

_Although, there were sometimes that he was very jealous of his little brother. His father's favourite son, for reasons he never understood. The younger never got struck and hardly ever got yelled at or punished. But he would rather take everything his father threw at him, figuratively and literally, if that meant his brother was safe._

A large hand in his pulled his from his memories and to his feet. He slings his backpack over his shoulder and leads the way off the train. He can feel Mino's surprise at the change. But the minute he steps off the train, the only thing that he wants it to be at home to comfort his mother. He knows how much of a mess that she must be. While his father did change over the years, there has to have been a time when he was a decent man who his mother fell in love with. She must be wrecked that he is gone.

"Hyung!" Donghyun throws himself into his brother's arm the second he is in the house. His bag falls from his hand as he catches his brother. The younger is so much taller than he remembers, almost as tall as he is now.

"I know, Dongyunie." He gently rocks the two of them back and forth.

Soft, gentle arms encircled both boys, guiding them into the house. Taehyun feels his mother kiss his cheek before releasing them both. He keeps a grip on his little brother as he leads them over to the couch, sitting down and pulling the younger into his lap. For what seems like hours they sit curled up together while Donghyun cries. Around the house, Mino takes their bags up to his old bedroom before retreating into the kitchen with his mother. He can hear the clatter of pots and pans, as well as the sizzle of food, and his boyfriend and mother's hushed voices talking too softly for him to make out what they were saying.

After a while, his legs begin to grown numb yet he doesn't move. As long as Donghyun is still crying, he will stay on the couch with his arms wrapped around his dongsang. The maknae always somehow idolized their father, thinking that it was the coolest job to fetch him beers or light the matches for his cigarettes. He cherished the break times between shows when they would wrestle or how he got to sit beside the old man when he would watch sports.

Slowly, Mino and his mother bring the food into the living room. A few plates of this and that, fish and side dishes, rice and drinks, all cover the table that Mino drags into the center of the room. Mino pulls the pillows off the sofa and puts them around the table for them to sit on while they eat. His mother sits beside them, one hand on Taehyun's shoulder, one rubbing Donghyun's back.

"Enough tears for now. Thursday will be that time for that." She says sweetly but firmly. "Now, we eat. You both need it. It will help you to feel better. Come on now."

With careful movements, Taehyun shifts his little brother out of his lap and slides on to the floor. Donghyun doesn't move, simply stays sitting on the couch, staring down at his lap. Without a word, Mino gets up off his cushion and moves him to sitting on the floor, as delicately as if were moving Taehyun. He sits in the empty spot beside Taehyun with the younger lad in his lap. He shifts around until he and Donghyun both are facing the table and begins filling both of their plates with food, as well as Taehyun's.

"Umma, do I need to serve you too?" He jokes, picking up a set of chopsticks.

Smiling softly, Taehyun's mother moves to sit across the table from them, filling her plate with small amounts of food. For a minute, things are calm, almost peaceful as the four of them start in on eating. The only thing out of place, is the heavy silence filling the air, only to be broken by Mino coaxing Donghyun into taking another bite.

None of the plates are emptied when they are finished eating. Donghyun has barely eaten anything except a few of his favourite jeon. His mother only ate a few btes of this and that. Taehyun himself has only eaten his rice and one bite of meat. Mino has eaten the most, but even he hasn't cleared his plate. While Mino sits with Donghyun, murmuring into his ear, Taehyun rises to help his mother clean up and put away the food. Small containers get filled with the leftovers and tucked away in the fridge before his mother begins washing the dishes. Wordlessly, he picks up a towel and begins dying everything, setting them on another towel to be put away later.

"My son...how are you feeling?" She stops washing the dishes, turning to face him as she dries her hands with the towel on her shoulder.

"I'm fine, Umma." He smiles to show her he means it.

"How are you...handling everything?" She asks, carefully. He can tell his mother is trying to ask more without coming out and actually asking it.

"Umma. I'm fine. Mino is taking very good care of me and I'm getting better. This...what happened with Appa...I don't even care. You know he and I never got along. Umma, I don't even care that he's gone. I'm more worrieid about you and Donghyunnie than anything else. How are you feeling? How is he handling everything?" He gently, takes her hands in his.

"I miss you father...the man who he used to be...all those years ago." She sighs wistfully. "Yabo...you father...was not always the way he was. Believe it or not. He was once a loving, caring man...I wish I could tell you what happened to him...I could tell you so many, many stories of him. Ones that I hope would change the way you see him."

"Umma, I don't care about Appa. I care about you. I care about Donghyun. How are you two doing?"

"We'll manage. We always do. That's how we are. We always find a way to pull through." She smiles at him before releasing his hands and going back to the dishes.

Taehyun picks up the towel and begins drying again as she hands him plates. He can feel his stomach churning with the anticipation of the question he wants so desperately to ask. Seeing how his little bother reacted and cried made him worry so much for his safety. He wonders if his mother worries the same thing. He wonders if he is worrying too much. Hearing his little brother let out a sob causing him to as the question that is on his mind.

"Umma...is Donghyunnie sick? Like I am? Umma, please tell me. Is he okay?" He feels his voice crack and break, letting the towel fall from his hand.

His mother turns to look at him, suds dripping off her hands and on to the floor. The look on her face is one he doesn't know how to place. Sadness mixed with confusion and something else he can't even try to identify. Without a word, she gathers him up in her arms and kisses his cheek.

"He will be alright in time. You do not need to worry. I took care of you. I can take care of him. If he needs to come home, he will. Just like you can come home if you need to. And you can bring your wonderful Mino with you. That offer stands strong as long as I am here to take you in. Remember that." She tells him firmly.

"I...I think I'm gonna go to bed. I haven't slept very well lately." He pulls away from her and walks from the kitchen.

Mino is making his way up the stairs with Donghyun cradled in his arms. He follows them up the stairs and into his younger brother's room. As he stands in the doorway, he can hear Mino singing quietly. Something he doesn't do often. Rapping is his thing, not singing. He always says is singing voice sounds like an angry walrus and refuses to let Taehyun compliment him on it. Hardly ever does he give in and sing for him when he is asked, choosing instead to rap the lyrics to the song requested for him. His heart fills with happiness, jealousy, and sorrow at the knowledge that his boyfriend is singing for his little brother.

Soon enough, Mino is tucking the covers in around the youngest. He smiles at Taehyun and takes his hand as he leaves the room, flicking off the light and closing the door as he does so. Silently, he leads them into Taehyun's old bedroom and shuts the door behind them. Tenderly, Taehyun caresses Mino's cheek, savouring the feeling of his soft skin and rough stubble. Wrapping his arms around Mino's neck, he kisses him deeply.

"Have I told you I love you today?" He asks once he pulls away.

"You tell me that every day, diva." He chuckles.

"I know...I just really mean it right now...seeing you take care of my dongsang. You don't need to do that. You don't need to come here and help my family with this. But you did."

"They're your family, Tae. And you're my family. So they are my family too. I want to be here. With you. With them."


End file.
